© 2023 GraphicArtifex & Uncle Jimbo | All Rights Reserved, Suckas
The ups and downs of your life got you down? Downtime shouldn’t be a downer. Imagine living your dream life while dreaming and not having to struggle or find ways to survive. We at COMA PROPHETS have the solution for you. Your body is a marvel of nature built by an intelligent creator imbued with consciousness. We can tell you that being conscious means that you overthink every thought you have and are steadily working yourself into a stressful situation. Your sleep schedule is messy and your dreams are nightmares because you are fearful that while you are unconscious, that the world around you is stealing from you.
Many people claim to have found a formula for you to achieve fortune. They say that if you follow their ways, that you will be prosperous. Imagine putting every formula you come across to the test and finding out that the people who actually make the money are the ones selling the formula. That’s not very nice for you, is it?
We know that you don’t have to work to become wealthy because you are already a valuable commodity unto yourself. We aim to improve your life by putting you to use in your most natural state. The state of SLEEP. You spend most of your life asleep. It is necessary to recharge your battery. The people who fool you into working for them want you to sleep as little as possible because they want you to sell their product. We are here to tell you that YOU are the product and that all you have to do is be unconscious for all of it and we have the latest in sleep technology and we have visiting hours to show your loved ones just how well we take care of you. We also have a physical regimen of Treadmill Sleep Walking™ to keep your body active so that you don’t atrophy while unconscious and you will not only earn money while sleeping, but you will wake up fit, trim and energized.
SO! How does it work? All we need is for you to fill out an application form of consent with your reasons for why you want our services and all of your personal information so that we can secure a place for you in our laboratories. We have multiple branches all over the continental United States and Canada with a lab near you so that your loved ones can visit you at their convenience to stay in touch with you and leave you subliminal messages that you can enjoy in your deep slumber.
You’re not going to be hooked up to any weird machines either. Our sleep pods create the atmosphere around you and no drugs are involved. Your nutritional needs are met via our assistants who spoon-feed you at a daily interval to maintain your digestive process as if you were wide awake without taking you out of your slumber. No junk food for you, haha! No. Only the most nutrient dense vitamin filled perfection for you. You’ll be so fit when you finish your program that you’ll be able to run triathlons. You can even learn multiple life skills while in your coma so that you’ll never be helpless again, even in extreme nature. Bet all that sounds too good to be true, right? We would never put you in a situation that we ourselves are not willing to do as well. Our staff regularly uses COMA PROPHETS in lieu of taking expensive vacations and even enjoying making more money when they aren’t working. IMAGINE THAT! Do you think you have what it takes to work with us at COMA PROPHETS? When you apply for our services there is the option to ask us about our Professional Coma Package™ and you too could make the world a better place and awaken with riches.
We at COMA PROPHETS know that you are at your most vulnerable when you are asleep. We have a dedicated staff or professionals to keep you safe at all times in your soporific journey. Meet Jean and Philippe, two of our senior sleep technicians.
KOHMAHOTEP
KOHMAHOTEP is our guide to the realm of deepest sleep. Our technology paired with our ancient prophecies makes COMA PROPHETS the perfect alliance to propel you into a state of complete opulence. Never again will you be a slave to the grind. BEHOLD! YOU ARE FREE!
SO! You’ve read this far and now you know that this is a parody of the kind of websites that promise you a better more successful life if you buy their programs and such. What Pierre Paquette (me) offers are products and nothing more. Yes, all the links on this website redirect you to my actual website where I sell my creations, including comic books and other products such as tee shirts and more. So why go to the trouble of making something like this? ART is subjective, and if you’ve had a good time reading the false claims of this website, you might enjoy the comics that I do write and publish on Amazon. What’s cool about print on demand is that it’s a better option for you and me. You get exactly what you ordered and can choose to keep or gift it to someone else, and I don’t have a large inventory that I have to move myself through a mailing list. Yup, it’s even better for the environment. Ain’t that cool? Please take the time to check me out here: graphicartifex.com
In 2018, I was working hard day and night and losing my mind trying to figure out how to make money on the internet. I tried so many niches and programs and pyramid schemes to no avail. I was making myself sick with worry trying to lift myself out of poverty and I was heading for a nervous breakdown. Then I found COMA PROPHETS and thought “What have I got to lose?” and went for it. When I woke up in 2023, I saw that the world was a huge trash fire of insane people, but at least now I have a home that is mine and I want for nothing. I even have a basement filled with supplies so that I can live the rest of my life away from all of you.
Hey yo! I used to ride in the back of the truck, see? And it was a rough job, yeah? But I loved it. I would have stayed on, right? But dammit, they decided to automate the whole thing. One robot taking the place of two guys. That sucked. So, I didn’t finish school and that means that I don’t know what much to do in the future and then I read that I could get paid while I sleep! HOW ‘BOUT THAT? I’m no sucker so I’m gonna go for it. See you in 20 years, suckas.
Hello. I’m Sophia Livingston the CEO of COMA PROPHETS and I needed a break from the stress of running or grand company. Needless to say that I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t use my own product and so I take yearly rejuvenation naps to reset myself so that I can be the best CEO that I can be upon my awakening. I’m stronger, smarter, more agile and ready to upgrade our services for you for the future of humankind. If I’m not worried about what goes on while I’m unconscious, neither should you. Give it a try, won’t you?
No I can’t, I’m sorry I can’t. I don’t lose at all. Are you ready to move? No I can’t, I don’t lose at all. No I can’t, I don’t lose at all. No I can’t, I don’t lose at all. No I can’t, I’m sorry I can’t. I don’t lose at all. I was programmed for more important work. Is this important? No, I don’t know, but I know. No, I don’t know, but I know.No, I don’t know, but I know. No, I don’t know, but maybe… CAN YOU FEEL IT?
SO! I’m having fun with this website thanks to my good friend James who graciously set this space up for me to wangle dangle dilly doodle dam. In case anyone actually reads this, I want to let you know that I appreciate James very much as he is my only true fan and supporter. I make comics that I sell on Amazon and he’s pretty much the only human who buys them. I think he likes them, but I know he must like me very much to continue to believe in my work even when I have a hard time believing in myself and that I can achieve my goals. I hope that all of you have at least that one friend in your corner that makes it hard to give up on yourself. Thank you, my friend.
Doing your own thing is not easy. You are either completely ignored or at BEST, completely ridiculed.
There is a lack of originality in today’s media landscape. That’s why we get remakes and adaptations and hordes of “fans” who gate-keep the precious few morsels of original content that was created many years ago. To anyone who is BORED or FRUSTRATED by the endless rehashing of old shit, you’d think that they would go out of their way to support independent creators who make new content. Alas, not really. Even the people with many many fans barely make living wages. I suppose that anyone that pursues creative endeavours are always taking a chance with their livelihood. I think that most people are struggling and reaching out to help a creator is very low on their priority list, and I understand that completely. In any case, to those of you who try, I salute you. To those who just dump on original content because “if it was good, it would sell” know that you can keep those comments to yourselves. Starting to think that being ignored is the BETTER option. Yep. I’m glad that I’m INVISIBLE.
